crazy
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.