A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
You Might Also Like
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Growing up was a huge mistake
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!