Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.