Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.