Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
how high up are we talkin’?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.