Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
FRED: right
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Netflix and you sit over there.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet