whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
water it, i dare you
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
what kind of cook setting is this??