If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
You Might Also Like
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks