If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw