[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.