People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Note to self: I am a note