I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
In Canada they just call them geese
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Yup.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
every. time.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.