Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
necessity is the mother of invention
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.