[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down