I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.