@JimmerThatisAll

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

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@GetCougarized

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

@trevso_electric

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

@Demented_Jokes

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

@Midgetspar

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

@MoistPork

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!