I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.