I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.