I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
be careful
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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.