I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

You Might Also Like


Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.


“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.


If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.


If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.


Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!