If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
describing stardew valley
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying