Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.