If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
when there are deer in the woods
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.