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“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again