[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname