[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Good boy 😂😂
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.