“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.