@ColoradoUgly
@ceejoyner No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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@ceejoyner 
@OrdinaryAlso pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
@trevso_electric It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
@notmythirdrodeo me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
@JermHimselfish It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
@shaztaberry Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
@robyn_vo Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
@katiefzack Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
@Elizacal Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
@gidget_76 My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.