@ColoradoUgly

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

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@ClassicMegan

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

@Dirtmill

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

@bridger_w

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

@littlegiinge

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

@kibblesmith

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

@Kendragarden

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

@cellapaz

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

@bdbdleeroybrown

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.