What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
You Might Also Like
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.