Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”