What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry