what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Finally, an explanation.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager