Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
You Might Also Like
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.