My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.