My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no