Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
How high do the levels go?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question