Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home