Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
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hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
