Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.