My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
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Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
the council will decide your fate
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries