Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions