[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
The Struggle
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
a badder mouse
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Would you wear it?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?