A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame