How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*