Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.