-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
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Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.