Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Always 🥴
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.