Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.