I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
You Might Also Like
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.