[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
🤣😂
Sell your car
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.