The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow