Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
The best shot in the history of golf
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player