I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Put a ring on it
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.