me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
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My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word