Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Every time my phone rings
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Did a trash talking tree write this?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.