When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
the battle rages on
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass