A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
You Might Also Like
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
#Caturday
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?