nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
What personal space?
My dog
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.