Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The legends were true
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
happy friday
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.