Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”