At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Geez man, take it easy.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?