*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.