I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Worlds greatest photobomb
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What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors