Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Not😆🤣
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.