Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.